"all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go!" it was 10 weeks ago that i wrote that same line before leaving San Francisco to depart on this journey that I was sure would be memorable-- in whatever form that would take. now again i write it, looking to the future with a similar degree of excitement, anticipation, and anxiety. even though i may be returning "home" that still does not entail a return to a routine or stability. in fact, in some ways returning home has me more anxious than coming to this foreign, impoverished country did. sure i have a set group of friends, family, and a familiar apartment to greet me in SF, but i still don't have a job to return to... while living in SE Asia has been slightly manageable financially, the cost of living in SF is slightly higher, if i remember correctly!! no more $.50 meals! but where there is room for anxiety, there is also room for anticipation and excitement: who knows what the future holds?! who knows how the sails will unfurl?! and who said adventures can't happen on your home turf?!
as i leave here it is evident that my experience will inevitably be imprinted on my mind and soul, but what about those that i've encountered? i know i will be keeping in touch with a few of the other volunteers that i've become close with along the way, but what about the Vietnamese people i've interacted with? will they remember me or is their life at all changed by something i said or did, purposefully or perhaps inadvertently? in my apartment i have a picture of several children from Zambia that i fell in love with on my last volunteer build; and i think of those children daily-- specifically Nelson, whom i would greet every morning by jumping out of our truck and throwing him up in the air when we arrived on site. do they ever remember me? or is their view on life or Westerners any different than it was before i, or we, met them? the same question goes to the recipients of the houses we've built here in Vietnam, or the other contractors we worked with: will they be as "changed" by my time with them as i will be for the time i've spent with them? but even more-- what about my actions or interactions with people that i don't even remember? for instance, someone on a motorbike i waved at, or someone working at one of the restaurants we ate at? i am reminded of a book my mom gave me back in middle school called "Earth Angels" which is a compilation of short stories of people sharing interactions that forever positively impacted their lives. what was so staggering to my 7th grade mind was that some of their stories were just what i mentioned: menial interactions that the recipient obviously took with them, but the other person thought nothing of. it is like the Butterfly Effect, where one tiny gesture has a snowball effect to change the course of things from that point on.
obviously it would not be too horrible if the ripple effect extended in a positive way, but what if -- again, unwittingly-- my actions had an adverse effect? because my final entry would not be complete without another quote from Shantaram, this one was one that i read back at the beginning of this experience which has obviously stayed with me:
Are we ever justified in what we do?...When we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn't be of our making, but that wouldn't occur without our action. "Some of the worst wrongs," Karla once said, "were caused by people who tried to change things."
as i confessed previously, there was certainly a side of me that canonized my volunteer efforts; of course i want to swoop in and change the world for the better, and of course that should be commendable. but laudable or not perhaps my best intentions, as questioned in Shantaram, could potentially lead to unforeseeable wrongs... did my actions help or harm others?
the question of actions and reactions isn't just one for the ego, it's one that i think is rooted in our desire to find a purpose for each of our lives. regardless of faiths, everyone wants to believe that they matter in the world. if you believe in a God that means doing God's work and living a life to glorify him; He cares-- you matter! or if you are an atheist and do not believe in an afterlife you still want to make the most of this life and want to make some mark on the world in a way that will live on even if you do not. you, too, want to believe that your existence mattered and was not inconsequential. whether that significance is achieved by being a politician enacting local, national or global dictates that affect people, or an environmentalist enacting changes that effect the local, national or global ecosystem, or even the biggest "small" job of being a parent and bringing someone into the world that would not exist if not for you, all of these are still partially rooted in our selfish desire to place our stamp on the world. don't get me wrong, ALL of those careers or achievements are utterly important and commendable, especially parenting! but i still think that it is in our nature-- literally our genetic makeup for evolutionary purposes-- to want to contribute to the world in a positive way. of course we would want / need that! if not, we would either all kill each other, or kill the land we live on, or humans would die out from not procreating!
i want to believe that my time here, in SE Asia specifically, mattered not just for me but for the people whose lives i wandered through. and i want to believe that i mattered in a way that somehow benefited their lives, not, god forbid, negatively impacted them. because, as i've already said, i think every action has a reaction and every interaction, every experience, every thing matters in some way.
so as i say goodbye to the motorbikes, to the strong coffees, and to the pagodas of Siam, i just hope that i leave with the belief that my Good outweighed my Bad. perhaps that is all we can ever ask for.