endings

"all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go!" it was 10 weeks ago that i wrote that same line before leaving San Francisco to depart on this journey that I was sure would be memorable-- in whatever form that would take. now again i write it, looking to the future with a similar degree of excitement, anticipation, and anxiety. even though i may be returning "home" that still does not entail a return to a routine or stability. in fact, in some ways returning home has me more anxious than coming to this foreign, impoverished country did. sure i have a set group of friends, family, and a familiar apartment to greet me in SF, but i still don't have a job to return to... while living in SE Asia has been slightly manageable financially, the cost of living in SF is slightly higher, if i remember correctly!! no more $.50 meals! but where there is room for anxiety, there is also room for anticipation and excitement: who knows what the future holds?! who knows how the sails will unfurl?! and who said adventures can't happen on your home turf?!

as i leave here it is evident that my experience will inevitably be imprinted on my mind and soul, but what about those that i've encountered? i know i will be keeping in touch with a few of the other volunteers that i've become close with along the way, but what about the Vietnamese people i've interacted with? will they remember me or is their life at all changed by something i said or did, purposefully or perhaps inadvertently? in my apartment i have a picture of several children from Zambia that i fell in love with on my last volunteer build; and i think of those children daily-- specifically Nelson, whom i would greet every morning by jumping out of our truck and throwing him up in the air when we arrived on site. do they ever remember me? or is their view on life or Westerners any different than it was before i, or we, met them? the same question goes to the recipients of the houses we've built here in Vietnam, or the other contractors we worked with: will they be as "changed" by my time with them as i will be for the time i've spent with them? but even more-- what about my actions or interactions with people that i don't even remember? for instance, someone on a motorbike i waved at, or someone working at one of the restaurants we ate at? i am reminded of a book my mom gave me back in middle school called "Earth Angels" which is a compilation of short stories of people sharing interactions that forever positively impacted their lives. what was so staggering to my 7th grade mind was that some of their stories were just what i mentioned: menial interactions that the recipient obviously took with them, but the other person thought nothing of. it is like the Butterfly Effect, where one tiny gesture has a snowball effect to change the course of things from that point on.

obviously it would not be too horrible if the ripple effect extended in a positive way, but what if -- again, unwittingly-- my actions had an adverse effect? because my final entry would not be complete without another quote from Shantaram, this one was one that i read back at the beginning of this experience which has obviously stayed with me:

Are we ever justified in what we do?...When we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn't be of our making, but that wouldn't occur without our action. "Some of the worst wrongs," Karla once said, "were caused by people who tried to change things."

as i confessed previously, there was certainly a side of me that canonized my volunteer efforts; of course i want to swoop in and change the world for the better, and of course that should be commendable. but laudable or not perhaps my best intentions, as questioned in Shantaram, could potentially lead to unforeseeable wrongs... did my actions help or harm others?

the question of actions and reactions isn't just one for the ego, it's one that i think is rooted in our desire to find a purpose for each of our lives. regardless of faiths, everyone wants to believe that they matter in the world. if you believe in a God that means doing God's work and living a life to glorify him; He cares-- you matter! or if you are an atheist and do not believe in an afterlife you still want to make the most of this life and want to make some mark on the world in a way that will live on even if you do not. you, too, want to believe that your existence mattered and was not inconsequential. whether that significance is achieved by being a politician enacting local, national or global dictates that affect people, or an environmentalist enacting changes that effect the local, national or global ecosystem, or even the biggest "small" job of being a parent and bringing someone into the world that would not exist if not for you, all of these are still partially rooted in our selfish desire to place our stamp on the world. don't get me wrong, ALL of those careers or achievements are utterly important and commendable, especially parenting! but i still think that it is in our nature-- literally our genetic makeup for evolutionary purposes-- to want to contribute to the world in a positive way. of course we would want / need that! if not, we would either all kill each other, or kill the land we live on, or humans would die out from not procreating!

i want to believe that my time here, in SE Asia specifically, mattered not just for me but for the people whose lives i wandered through. and i want to believe that i mattered in a way that somehow benefited their lives, not, god forbid, negatively impacted them. because, as i've already said, i think every action has a reaction and every interaction, every experience, every thing matters in some way.

so as i say goodbye to the motorbikes, to the strong coffees, and to the pagodas of Siam, i just hope that i leave with the belief that my Good outweighed my Bad. perhaps that is all we can ever ask for.

perfection

my dad taught me that in art you should always stop when you think you are 75% complete. when you think to yourself "i just need to do this thing more and then it will be done and "perfect" that is when you should stop. most often the tinkering at the end either does not improve "it" or it in fact ruins the good thing you had going.

i've thought of this often when laying bricks because i have the tendency to strive for perfection and inevitably it always fails. i'll put concrete on a brick and it will be good but then i think, "oh i just need to add a little more here" and poof, then it all falls off and i ruin it! i need to just stop and accept it when it is good, but maybe not perfect. of course noticing that tendency makes me step back and question whether i do that in the rest of my life (yes!) and if so whether my dad's advice can be applied more broadly then to the rest of my life (yes!!!). but it's like learning to drive a stick shift car: you know what to do, it's just a matter of executing it the way you want to and should!

in jobs i think that i am looking for the perfect combo: great hours, great pay, great coworkers, and interesting, challenging work. but i find that i can get close (perhaps 90% of those) but so far have not found the 100% satisfaction that has all of those criteria covered. maybe like what my dad said implies that there is no 100% and i should be content with almost great-- good! but not great...

likewise, i transfer that question to dating. again, looking for "perfect" in relationships has proven to be a challenge that has me very confused. when do you accept 90% let alone 80% or 75%? like job hunting i find that many people fill some or even many of the things i'm looking for, but how do you know what things can be ignored unfulfilled? take jimmy for example: he is someone who i am not in the least bit attracted to and who is only a friend, but said something to me about a month ago that i really loved and which really touched me. he said, "kristin, i love your mind". that has got to be one of the best things i have ever had a guy say to me. seriously. and a few weeks ago he told us about a date that he went on where he took flowers, a stuffed animal and a mix cd on his first date (yes, very over the top and actually weird considering how can he make a mix cd when he doesn't know the girl's music preference or personality even??) but still, at least it shows that romance is not dead across the globe! there are so many guys out there who have some things right but not all... how do you know when to stop playing musical chairs and pick a seat and sit? does the advice apply here, too? do you accept very good?

i don't know and i don't know if anyone really knows. i'm sure many of you would say that there are of course things that you compromise on in life (both in terms of job, friends, family, and romance) but then i ask, how do you accept living with compromise? isn't that the complacency that i was talking about and dismissing? but is 100% ever attainable?? in anything??

as Dorothee, our Frenchy, would say, "je ne sais pas!" but until then i guess i just need to keep on truckin' one brick at a time...

portals

the highway that leads out of Saigon is a sight to behold. six lanes wide and newly paved, it appears to be a vestige from a modern metropolis. and yet as we drove the highway south and into the Mekong Delta last night, like many previous Sundays, we passed scenes reminiscent of other decades-- even other cultures.

the first, and most striking sight, was the proliferation of kites in the sky, silhouetted by the setting sun. on evenings kids seem to come from all over to fly their kites (many of them in the shape of sharks) in the dusty fields along the highway. of course this image immediately reminded me of the innocent kite-flying of Kabul and the competitions described in Khaled Hosseini's Kite Runner. the kites in Vietnam, however, are flown just for fun, not as a competitive sport. literally a thousand kites dotted the sky, just miles outside the bustling city. beyond the soaring kites the next marvel can be seen: cranes and construction. Saigon seems to be growing rapidly. this does not mean construction practices are advanced nor "modern" in their technique (they are far from it). but still, tall buildings and and wide roads are making headway, preceding any rational thought of civic planning or infrastructure. (for example: the cities have tons and tons of electrical wires above the streets-- clearly to meet the need of a growing "connected" population. but instead of taking a step back and thinking about how the city can grow and adapt to the modern advances it so desires, they throw up wires everywhere in a haphazard, bundled fashion! the growth outpaces the thought!) also visible en route to the Delta are corrugated metal shacks, plots of land with construction debris, and lean-tos with tables and plastic chairs touting "Co'm Ga" and "Pho" (chicken and rice, and the country's popular soup "pho") with neon flashing signs. in one second you pass hope and the future and in the next instant you pass poverty, dirt, and dust.

the warring attributes Hope and Sadness were also at the site with us this morning as we began work our new house. the recipient of the new house is a woman in her 70's, maybe 80's, who has been living in that house for 50 years. she had all us into her house with wooden 1x8's as her only separation between inside and out--and the existence of the wooden siding was not even everywhere; many places of the exterior wall had boards missing and gaping holes to outdoors. the corrugated metal roof was in even worse disrepair, it's rusted metal sheeting letting sun in at places as thinned and delicate as lace.

while we were all looking forward to having a hand at demolition (or a foot that matter!.. i couldn't help myself from saying "back up boys" and doing a karate kick to one wall!) it was with mixed feelings that we leveled the house. sure we were offering her hope and the future (and health and safety!) with a new brick house, but at the same time we were also destroying her emotional safety of "home" and familiarity. i cannot imagine having lived somewhere for 50 years and then standing by to watch it be torn down. but, she did request this new house, and so she knew what emotional challenge she was taking on (and what wonderful gift she would be getting).

although the house was certainly old, dirty, and deteriorating, there were still elements of it that i found quite charming, and for that reason i felt even further sympathy for the woman's loss. over the front door and one of the interior doors there were panels of carved wood, a decorative element that many of the houses have to encourage air circulation (though in the better houses they are stone or concrete, not wood). these panels (and walls) were my favorite verde color, like patina'd copper, hinting at ages long ago of paint and money. one of the interior walls will remain intact, and the air vent with it, but the front wall was to be demo'd and met the eager eyes of the testosterone-high guys. because i was too saddened to see her home razed and because i like those sort of architectural details, i asked jimmy (who was on site with us for the "opening ceremony") if he would ask the home owner if i could keep it instead of destroy it. (ideally i would have encouraged them to build that element back into the front of her new house, but since design creativity is not a luxury the volunteer construction agencies exercise and since translation would have been too cumbersome i instead selfishly thought that i would keep it if she couldn't!) so with her blessing (translated, "she would be very happy for you to have it, sweetheart") i now have a favorite souvenir from my time here. i hope to have it put into metal channels for a frame and plan to put it in my first home, preferably near a door if not built into the wall over a door, so i will forever remember my work here and her 50 years of comings and goings under that threshold.

this reminds me of another quote i tagged in Shantaram! (i had to run back to the house to get my book so i can share this!!!) i'll leave yall with it since this has been long enough already! enjoy:

Every door is a portal leading through time as well as space. The same doorway that leads us into and out of a room also leads us into the past of the room and its ceaseless unfolding future. People knew that once, deep within the ur-mind, the ur-imagination. You can still find those who decorate doorways, and reverently salute them, in every culture, from Ireland to Japan. I stepped up one, two steps, and reached out with my right hand to touch the doorjamb and then touch my chest, over the heart, in a salaam to fate and an homage to the dead friends and enemies who entered with me...

build

it is said that in Vietnam they grow rice, in Cambodia they watch it grow, and in Laos they awake after it's grown! but don't let that fool you... the implied productivity is relative; the Vietnamese are far from expeditious! none of our buses have left on time and this morning our taxi back to My Tho was an hour late (not ideal when we could have been sleeping)! equally frustrating has been the lethargic "service" at restaurants; even waiting for drinks takes about 10 mins, which is ironic considering the waiters stand at the table waiting for an order as soon as you're seated even though you haven't yet had a chance to look at the menu! but, i guess waiting is part of their culture. i've been told "in the US they have watches. in Vietnam they have time!"

as you can imagine it has been extremely frustrating for me with my punctuality and type-A personality. for example, yesterday we had an hour for lunch before we were supposed to be at the bus station for a 1pm departure back to Saigon. although i ordered a salad (no cooking required!) it took 40mins and was the last dish to come out! we then rushed down the street only to wait 30mins until the bus arrived and we could board! and what is the worst is that we KNEW the bus would be late, but we couldn't risk being late because it was the last bus out (what if it DID leave on time?!). organization and predictability are not exactly Vietnam's strong suits.

what they lack in efficiency in planning, though, they make up in all other aspects. they are extremely efficient with preserving as much as they can of anything and everything.  a walk through the market will bring you past stalls of meat, nothing gone to waste. (you want pig heart? they've got it! liver? intestines? brain? yup! what about hoofs, tail, ears, or head? they've got that, too!) and on the streets you can pass people dismantling electronics to separate the materials. (wire! chips! copper!) so it is no surprise that their efficiency has found it's way to the building trade; if concrete drops to the ground when laying bricks, well, pick it up and mix it back into the batch!

and i can tell you that a lot of concrete does plop to the ground with our novice skills! today we were laying bricks again at the "country house" where the walls are only 4 feet high around 2 of the 4 perimeter walls. the previous group had spent 2 weeks bringing it to that point. the construction process starts with site-clearing. then the 6 foundation pits are dug (about 2 feet deep) at the footings of 6 columns (two in the front, two in the middle at the center wall, and two at the back for the rear wall). a shallower foundation (about 14inches) is then dug between each of the column footings. from there rebar is unbent (it is delivered in large rings, so by hand we need to straighten it out!) and is then connected to make a square tube by lacing square rings through 4 straight pieces of rebar. those metal "columns" are laid horizontally in the perimeter and middle wall foundation and connected to vertical columns of rebar. once the structural metal is all in place the concrete mixing begins and the form-work gets laid to provide edges in which to pour the concrete. this is the strong concrete that i have mentioned, which contains the rock aggregate. the perimeter foundation and middle wall foundation is poured, then sets, and then the columns are poured once the form-work is built. at every few feet up the columns there are metal ties added which will be pulled out when the walls are being laid so that the walls will tie in with the structure. once the foundations and columns are up and set, the brick work remains! course by course the bricks are laid and the concrete mixed (without aggregate) using string as the guides by which the walls are made flush horizontally and vertically. all brick walls are 1 wythe thick, and the bricks are not solid (presumably to save money on material and shipping costs as well as perhaps acting as a thermal barrier b/c of the air cavity that is "built in"). the metal ties are laid in the brick mortar as the wall goes up. next, the lintels/ headers above the doors and windows are framed and again, rebar beams are made and concrete poured in the form-work. from there the wooden beams are installed and the corrugated metal roof nailed down. then aggregate is laid on the floor (from rocks, broken used bricks, old tiles, etc) is smashed down and sand with concrete is poured over it and then water to form a concrete mat foundation. the ceramic tiles are then pressed into the wet concrete and then bonded together with grout. and then, doors are installed, windows installed, and "Uncle Ho" moves in along with the rest of the family!

appologies if building sciences bore you, however i thought you may be interested in the construction practice here, seeing as that is what i am here to do! but since the work day is over and it's now 6:30 i'm going to run to go get drinks with our group! that is another thing that i am here to do: have fun!!

expectations

expectations are rarely a good thing, and yet there is no part of me that can divorce myself from them.

we arrived in My Tho on sunday evening to find paved roads, a plethora of motorcycles, and tall buildings. i don't know about you, but to me that still means "city". my expectation had been of a quiet, rural town, surrounded by rice paddies, bikers with baskets of wares, and children playing in the dusty yards. far from it, the hustle and bustle of this little town is not that different from my experience in Saigon, however here there are no nice hotels to get fancy cocktails! darn! i think part of me expected to come into this town as if on a white horse to "save" these families from floods and ignorance. i think a lot of volunteers wrap their arrogance and selfishness into their "selfless" deeds. well, i shouldn't speak for others, but i know i am guilty of that. i console myself, though, by saying that the work is beneficial in the end for them, and if it is beneficial for myself and my pride, is that such a harm? is only painful giving the selfless kind? i will admit, that i was a bit (ok, quite) disappointed to not find the sleepy back-water town of my visions. but as i am here at the end of the day for them and not myself, i need to focus on where there is a need, not where i want the need to be.

and so in this busy little town of My Tho there is a need, and every morning we wake to the heat and the roosters to walk to our site to begin miming with our local contractor and begin doing the tasks needed to complete the house. despite having only been working for 2 days i can tell you that if not all-- sweat, blood and tears-- will be in the house, at least sweat will be! the house is two weeks along and so we are continuing to finish it by mixing concrete for mortar, laying bricks, mixing concrete aggregate for the joists and floor beams, and laying rebar to embed in the aggregate. the construction is all very similar to that of my experience in Zambia, so it's easy to pick up where i left off. we received a delivery of fresh clementines and lychee from a neighbor down the street, and barefooted children swarm into the house to spy and flirt with us westerners. despite the heat and tiring work, our days are not that brutal: we work from 9-11 and then break in the middle of the day when the sun is at it's zenith and the heat is unbearable, and then return to our labor around 1:30 until 4. if only the US would adopt the 4-1/2 hour work day...!

in addition to the adjustment to the vietnamese life and culture, i am finding another need to adjust to the culture of my peers, most of whom are from the UK. from idioms to pop culture i constantly find myself saying, "what's that?" or more eloquently, "huh???"! of the 9 of us working together on the house 5 are from England, 1 from Ireland, 1 from Scottland, 1 from Australia, and then little old me from the US. in fact, "little old me" is actually accurate because unfortunately our group (which includes the 4 who have already been here some weeks) is all younger than me, mostly 18-22. only andrew is 25. the other group (on the other house) is a bit older, but they are all only here for 2wks, so they put us die-hards together. in fact, the 5 of us "new kids" that arrived on sunday have been staying at the hotel with all the other new arrivals, but we will be moving in with the rest of our team this wednesday night. i am looking forward to that b/c there will be a place to cook, watch tv, and just lounge at the guest house, as opposed to just secluding ourselves in our rooms at the hotel. so Prue, Laura and I will room together at the guest house, as we're the only girls.

we plan to take a tour of the Mekong Delta this wknd by boat, hopefully scouting out the lush greenery we expected. our tour will actually be an overnight trip, including a homestay in a house along the river. the following day we will explore the floating markets before returning to our home in My Tho.

and home it is... it is strange to think of this as my new home, but i need to adjust to that because that's what i've chosen!
 

killing fields

the other day we went to Tuol Sleng (S-21) and the "Killing Fields" both from the reign of the Khmer Rouge and Pol Pot. S-21 used to be a school and was used as a detention and torture center to get "information" from it's prisoners before they were then killed (typically 2-5mos later) at the Killing Fields. in the prison most were chained to the floor or wall in 2-1/2ftx 6ft cells before they were sentenced to their death of bludgeoning or beheading. the khmer rouge wanted their victims to suffer slow deaths so they didn't use bullets or knives, but in beheading used the serrated edge of a sugar palm frond. sick. as i've mentioned before, this history is all so fresh: the warden of S-21 is only now on trial (the first of 5 to be tried) and at the Killing Fields (which was where many locally were taken to be killed and left in heaps in ditches) there were still bones, teeth, and clothing embedded into the dirt! but what was so astonishing for me was that when we asked about the prosecution of the other khmer leaders and torturers, our guide told us that there was none and that they are out living their regular lives alongside families they have affected. when asked how people can stand to live and work next to the men who so ruthlessly killed their families and country, our guide replied, "the only way to end revenge is to not revenge" and so daily they live an unbelievable act of forgiveness... which again reminds me of a passage i read in Shantaram, which i'd like to share again with you:

"What characterizes the human race more, Karla once asked me, cruelty, or the capacity to feel shame for it? I thought the question acutely clever then, but I'm lonier and wiser now, and i know it isn't cruelty or shame that characterizes the human race. It's forgiveness that makes us what we are. without forgiveness, our species would've annihilated itself in endless retributions. without forgiveness, there would be no history. without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is in some way and act of forgiveness. without that dream, there wuold be no love, for every act of love is in some way a promis to forgive. we live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive."

despite the atrocious sights and stories i learned at the Killing Fields and S-21, i still cannot fathom the breadth and depth of it. i looked at their photos, read their histories, closed myself in their cells, and even still i cannot feel the empathy or sympathy that i feel like i should feel. and for that i feel utterly heartless, cold, and guilty (though of what, i cannot pinpoint). i know the horrors, but can't feel the horrors. perhaps it would be even more insensitive of me to purport to know even an inkling of what they went through. but nothing in my life could prepare me for even a sliver of the despair, pain, and death they experienced. nonetheless, i am so sorry for the death of the 3 million in the Khmer Rouge war.

saigon has been no happier of a tourist's experience. after arriving yesterday after lunch time, we went to the war remnants museum, which chronicles and documents the "war crimes and aftermaths foreign aggressive forces caused for Vietnamese people". and if that description (as copied from their pamphlet) doesn't highlight for you the perspective from which all material is presented let me use the words that we have heard used describingAmerica in regards to the Vietnam War: murderous, villainous, devilish, wicked... obviously their view of us (and the perspective presented in the museum) is quite biased... the museum was very interesting though, and some of the stats and images, staggering. for example: the US involvement really began (financially) in the mid 40's by providing aid to the French to help them continue to secure Vietnam as their own. despite it being a French/ Vietnam war, we were actually financing a majority of the expenses! and then as far as the stats of the Vietnam War compared to WWII or the Korean War check out these figures:

length of war: WWII 3yrs 8mos; Korean War 3yrs 1 mo; Vietnam War 17yrs 2mos
military personnel: WWII 16.1m; Korean 5.7m; Vietnam 8.7m
monetary cost of war: WWII $341b; Korean $54b; Vietnam $676b
deaths: WWII 405,399; Korean 36,407; Vietnam 58,159
casualities: WWII 671,849; Korean 103,284; Vietnam 304,000

beyond the history and figures, the most moving aspect of the museum for me was the room that had pictures and stories from families who have been victims of agent orange. in some cases, there were families with 6 out of 7 children having deformities or mental retardations ranging from undeveloped limbs, missing eyes, lacking speach, or biting/eating everything they come in contact with. while there were certainly innocent victims during the VN War (those presumed to be VietCong, when perhaps just innocent bystanders...) the truly innocent were those who were not even born yet and still suffered. even americans or other solidiers who were exposed to agent orange had offspring with deformities; in Australia 1 out of 4 children born from men exposed to the chemical had defects! wow...

and then today we went to the Cu Chi tunnels, which is where the VietCong guerrilla fighters lived. the boobie traps and maze of tunnels was crazy. but we bravely hunched our way through a 60ft long weaving tunnel, scarcely lit and not ventilated! and even with that, we learned that they had expanded them to 2x the size so visitors could go through! i can't imagine literally crawling through a tunnel looking for the enemy! talk about feeling vulnerable!

but the past few days haven't all been morbid and depressing. we also went to a market yesterday after the war museum and then, as i mentioned, had drinks on the roof of the Rex hotel as the sun set. i haven't had Pho yet (their traditional dish) but it is mainly a breakfast dish, so i'll have it tomorrow!!

and sadly, my travel companions have all disbanded to make their ways home. but every good thing comes to an end and when every door closes, another opens! tomorrow i'm meeting with my new group to start the build! another adventure to soon begin!

water

bridget and i woke up with the sun yesterday morning and decided, "let's not go to work today, but instead head to the beaches of cambodia..." fortunately we both agreed. and so we went!

actually, that is a lie. i didn't wake with the sun, but rather was awake when the sun was rising-- i also was up, sitting on the steps several times that same night, watching the almost-full moon and many, many stars. i didn't sleep a wink. that night was our "homestay" and the conditions were quite clean and nice but with the oppressive heat, the fear of spiders, fear of malaria-ridden mosquitoes, and the cacophony of voices within and without our hut, sleep never visited me. from the bark of the dogs, to the mooing of cows, clucking of chicken, screeching of the geckos, and the calling of the roosters, it was far from the "quiet country-side" that many imagine in a village. in fact i thought it rivaling NYC with all its clamor!

we arrived to our homestay in the late afternoon, leaving the flat terrain of the central plain and driving through the foothills of the mountains. our paved road changed to red dirt as we made our way over bridges of casually laid planks and past herds of cattle. our host was a woman in her 60s who did not speak any english. she had cleared out her house for us gawking westerners and put us up on cots with sleeping pads and mosquito netting while she then stayed in her road side stand. (quite awkward, but apparently that is how they have the program set up and how these home-owners make an income...) we then walked down the road to have a typical dinner at their village community center. the typical fare included what we've really been eating all trip: steamed rice, pork and vegetables, fried noodles with cabbage, and fried ants with ant eggs! it actually tasted better than the tarantula, but i think the fact that it was dark out (and therefore masked the detail of their bodies) worked as a culinary advantage...! after dinner we danced their traditional dances, which have a salsa-type foot-work and arabic-type hand motion. and then they wanted to dance the mackerena, and i happily obliged them by leading them in it! you would have thought i was a dance-club-junkie in grade 7 with my enthusiasm for that silly dance. but it was fun!

yesterday we arrived in our beach town, sihanoukville, in time for lunch. interestingly enough, the town is still newly a visited destination-- as in tourism has only picked up in the last 5yrs. this used to be a sleepy town with no hotels or accommodations for any visitors. with that said, i am not very impressed by the town (it has wide streets and ugly architecture and trash strewn around), however the beach is really great and the water, phenomenal! as lovely as the bath-temperatured water is, and as beautiful as the golden sandy beaches are, we were less able to relax on the beach than we expected due to the number of hawkers selling their goods and services; from massages and threading, to bracelets, manicures, fried fish, and fresh fruit. actually, not only was the "relaxing" restless, but it was quiet annoying and invasive with the way they pestered us. they would swarm, ask you where you are from, if you want something, and then if you said "no thank you" (which we always did), they would stick out their lip and ask "why not?"... quite persistent. but to make matters worse, they would even go so far as to stroke your legs to see if you were cleanly shaven, or today they touched bridget's armpit to ask if she wanted to be threaded! what happened to personal space?! for a country that is so conservative (they bathe with clothes on and women don't ever show their shoulders) i am really surprised by their lack of respect for others' bodies. quite intrusive! we managed to have a wonderful afternoon at the beach, though, and enjoyed fresh fruit smoothies, before returning to our hotel to shower before dinner.

today was another wonderful day. we got a private boat to take us out to the islands about 30 mins ride from the mainland beach, where we went snorkeling and fishing (using just a hook and squid attached to an empty water bottle). it was really hard to get those little suckers, but i caught one (granted by accidentally hooking it through it's belly!) but it was the largest we "caught" regardless of technique! the snorkeling was sub par-- no crazy colors and beautiful fish or coral-- but i will say that i did learn something in the process: i tend to expect big things in life and heightened experiences, and i think by doing that i miss the smaller things in life. i am pretty observant, so i do see things and enjoy observing them, but i expect pomp and circumstance. sadly i did not get the vibrant colors or pomp and circumstance while snorkeling, but after being patient and just watching the coral and fish (rather than greedily swimming over all of them looking for the brightest colors) i was able to appreciate the beauty of the sea urchin. did you know they have a telescopic eye and 5 points (like the edge of a star) around the eye in a bright turquoise color and then 5 more points in a white, mother of pearl material around those turquoise dots? who knew?! i certainly did not notice that when i stepped on one in jamaica!

from snorkeling we boated to another island where they cooked fish for us (including the ones we caught!) and presented some fried rice and salad for us in a picnic. the beach was secluded and the view from the beach was of the many (30!) scattered islands of vegetated swales and turquoise water. it was heavenly. i really do love the water-- being in it and on it. ironically as i lay on the beach with my feet being lapped by the water, i read a passage in my book, Shantaram, which was an "ah yes!" moment. (background: this is what one guy from a bombay slum is telling the main character)

"our life probably began inside the ocean...about four thousand million years before now. and for almost all of that long time, all of the living things were water things, living inside the sea. then, a few hundred million years ago, maybe a little more... the living things began to be living on the land as well... but in a way you can say that after leaving the sea, we took the ocean with us. when a woman makes a baby, she gives it water, inside her body, to grow in. that water inside her body is almost exactly the same water of the sea... she makes a little ocean, in her body. and not only this. our blood and sweat, they are both salty, almost exactly like the water from the salty sea. we carry oceans inside of us, in our blood and our sweat. and we cry oceans in our tears."

that passage, regardless of how you think about evolution or religion, definitely spoke to me in my love for the water.

it has been such a wonderful break being here on the beach. and though it sounds greedy, we needed a vacation from our vacation since we have been on the go so much! fortunately this has been a wonderful beach experience!

a typical drive by

we're quickly stopping for internet in phnom penh before we head into the rural village of kampong plok where we are staying with a host family. not much time to update yall, but oh the stories i have...

our second day in siem reap allowed us to visit the remote stilted village on the edge of tonle sap. tonle sap is a fresh water lake (the largest in all of SE Asia) and is known for it's floating villages and markets, and it's community on stilts. our guide, sarou, lived en route to the lake and so, caving to our pleas, he took us past his house for a surprise visit to see his mom, sister, and home. it was a great experience to just pop in on a typical day of a cambodian family. his mom had had no education and can't write (even in khmer) and cannot speak any english, and yet the hospitality she displayed was easily translated and understandable. their family are farmers and have rice paddies in the back, as well as corn, pigs, chicken, kapok trees and banana palms, as do most other families that live in that village. it was a fabulous impromptu visit (and we were the first and only group he has ever taken there)!

we arrived at the canal leading to tonle sap after having passed many bright green, vermilion rice paddies (which is rare since most of the fields have been arid due to it being the dry season) and boarded our boat. making our way out onto the grand lake, we past locals fishing by cashing large nets (while in the water) and families along the canal mashing dried fish for fish paste. the men were long limbed and sinewy, toned from daily labor and lack of meals. the children were even helping in the daily tasks. because it was early evening the sun was that warm, rich light (i have probably mentioned this quality of light before, but i am obsessed with it-- in any culture!) and the shadows were perfect. the colors were just perfect, if i could call it that. nothing was needed. despite the fact that the water was a muddy brackish color (like lake Shasta or the Chesapeake bay), and the banks the same muddy red/brown, made the colors of their clothes sing in contrast. that, coupled with being on a boat with warm breezes tickling our skin, made the experience surreal. man i loved it. but i guess i just love being on the water!

the sunset from the lake (once we made through the maze of canals) was peaceful and all was right with the world.

coming back we walked through the village. sanitation does not exist, so fires of collected trash that had been swept by families, provided the only illumination for our return.

darnnnnnnnn so much to say! but my bus is leaving NOW! hate to run... i still need to tell you about our bus hitting (and killing) a cow on yesterday's drive, and our experience teaching english on this island only accessible by a bamboo bridge! so i have to go. bridget ran to get me lunch (and for dessert we have a tarantula...! we decided we weren't craving it for breakfast so we've saved it for now)!

ok. now i'm late.

love love!

angkor what?!

soo-a s'day (hello!) from Cambodia!!! we made it cross the border! we're not held hostage yet... what a busy and informative past few days it has been! sunday we were up and out to drive the long 8hr drive to Siem Reap, one of Cambodia's largest cities. I love this city! (much more than i liked bangkok... in fact, i really didn't like bangkok... is that bad??) but siem reap it is kinda like a savannah, but in cambodia! ha! (but no live oaks with moss, nor central squares) cams, you should come here to confirm :)

when we arrived we took a walk around the town to see the royal gardens, pagodas (with praying monks and nuns) and just the downtown. of course my experience would not be complete without a taste of some street food: fried cricket to be exact! it tasted pretty salty and like soy sauce, which wasn't bad, if i hadn't been hyper aware of the fact that i had just bitten off the head in my first bite! i held myself back from trying the cockroach, as enticing as it looked (larger than the ones in NYC! ughhhh)! from there we walked along a river to this downtown "market"area where there were tons of stalls and restaurants and which feels a bit like new orleans with the double story restaurants with balconies and ceiling fans (greatfully)!

we went to dinner at this restaurant that has native apsara dancing, which is a type of dancing that women do in the palace for the king. their dances tell stories and offer prayers. its kind of a meditative, slow dance, sometimes performed with other men (actually, we think they were all teenagers). there are tuk-tuks and bicycles everywhere. i just love it here!

as promised, yesterday was an early -- 5am-- start to go to angkor wat to see the sunrise. i won't bore you with the details of each temple we saw yesterday (we saw four "monuments"-- they actually aren't all temples, some were monasteries and cities, and places to house the concubines-- all 2,000 of them!) but i will say that the monuments and ruins have all been fascinating and we have learned SO much history of the Khmer empire and even just daily rural life from our guide. we are also learning so much about Hinduism and Buddhism. for more information you will have to read my journal :) (it is quite extensive --i wrote 16pages just this morning about yesterday's adventures-- but i have, of course, even more photos to document this trip!!) i will say, though, that the sunrise was beautiful, and my pictures pretty stellar (it's hard with that subject matter to NOT have great pics) and i loved Ta Prohm (the jungle temple) which has banyan roots weaving in and out of the stone blocks. it really is amazing that these temples are SO old and some of them are continually being discovered (i was just sharing a national geographic article -- courtesy of mom and dad, thanks!-- with bridget, that describes the discovery of this temple farther north of here that is in the throes of being looted. this is CURRENT history taking place.)

in that vein, one of our experiences yesterday was a stop at this Land Mine Museum which is a small operation (museum makes it sound formal and fancy!) run by this cambodian man who became a child warrior for the Khmer Rouge at age 10 and then changed to the opposition party, and later the vietnamese army to overthrow the khmer rouge. he is now one of the leading efforts to rid the country of land mines, which continue to kill and maim about 26,000 people annually because so many land mines are left un-detonated in fields and jungles. you see a ton of people (even children) with missing limbs due to injuries sustained from land mines-- even recently, not just from during the war. go figure, though, the other man helping to run the museum was from acton, ma and then california (but palm springs). he now lives in siem reap with his wife to run the museum and orphanage that shelters, feeds, and educates children that have been victims of mines.

oh and i have lied to yall; sorry! not only am i modern, but i am UBER modern, for it is not just feb 23rd 2010, a day ahead, but it is actually 2553! (in the buddhist calendar) yall better keep up! and i also lied to you about angkor wat: it is a hindu temple not buddhist (the country has flip-flopped from hindu to buddhist over many reigns, but now they are a buddhist country).

gosh, so much more to say, yet i don't want this to be too long for you! but let me add that bridget and i (in case you were concerned) will have good karma for the rest of our lives (and our parents will, too, according to belief!-- you're welcome!!)! this morning, even though we have a "free morning", we "slept in" until 6am (ha! well, we went to bed at 10 and the roosters were calling at like 5am) but so we walked to the market and had an early breakfast, sitting in an outdoor cafe and watching the city arise, and wrote in our journals. during that time a monk passed on his walk to get his morning alms (they only eat twice a day and the food is provided through donations during those morning walks). so this monk (robed in the traditional orange cloth) passed our restaurant and i was like "BRIDGET!!! give him your banana bread!!!"and she was like "you do it!!"so i took the plate and ran after him (he had just passed) and bowed, told him hello, and offered bridget's/our breakfast! so we're set for our next life!!! woohooo!!! which means i'm clear to be devious ;) nice...!

from the future with love

HELLOOO from the future! It is about 9:30pm here (on Saturday the 20th!) and i am pooped! such a long day and long travel trip yesterday! but fear not, bridget and i were up and at 'em at 8am this morning since we only had 24hrs in bangkok! and what a day it was! we saw two temples (with the emerald Buddha at the Grand Palace and the largest reclining buddha in Wat Po) and got hour long massages at the massage school at one of the temples! then of course we had a loverly lunch on the river and then hoped on a boat to tour the river some. we braved public transit on their high speed rail to the largest bangkok market and then hoofed it back to the hotel in time to meet with the rest of the group by 6pm! so we're just now returning from a group dinner. there are 4 other people on the trip, all from london, plus our guide, who is from cambodia. the group so far seems good. hopefully we'll all have a great time together over the next few weeks!

flying into hong kong was so exciting! i was newly on an uncharted continent (for me)!! the hills were surprisingly close to the runway, and they were cloaked in this romantic, mysterious fog. when flying out the fog had lifted, but night had fallen, so i could see the islands beneath and see how lush many of them looked! i'm really intrigued... can't wait to explore on my layover on the return flight. i have a feeling i'm going to love it: a perfect blend of the sophistication and cosmopolitan allure of NYC but with the access to nature and outdoors life SF... we shall see...

but for the here and now, in general my impressions of bangkok have been varied: it is quite dirty, but it still retains some charm underneath. it somehow reminds me a little of ocho rios, lusaka, and paris combined! ocho rios and lusaka for the low height "city" buildings and homeless dogs running around, as well as for the vegetation and squalor; but paris because of grande alleys and detailed balustrades and tree lined streets. the architecture of the temples has been fascinating! and the colors spectacular. the tiles that adorn many of the buildings are all such rich colors and the detail is so labor intensive! surreal... tomorrow we head to more temples, but in cambodia! siem reap is our next stop, which is where Angkor Wat is (the Buddhist equivalent to St. Peter's... kinda a big deal!) we'll be there for about 2 days before our next jaunt. on the agenda is a sunrise tour of the behemoth temple! can't wait! can't you imagine the silhouette that beauty will have on the skyline??? yay!

ok! bridget's turn on the computer!! were leaving here at 7:30am tomorrow... yikes!

thanks for all of your loving emails. i think of all of you a ton (yeah, i know, it's only been like a day!) ha.